As a woman who loves to be romanced, (actually I love being spoiled), I can’t say, I look forward to this time of the year. To enjoy Valentine’s Day, you need to be with someone who loves you, who wants to spoil you, who understands romance is not associated with a vase of flowers, box of candy or a meal you didn’t cook. At least that’s my opinion.
The man I am married to, can’t cook. When he does attempt it, the mess he makes for me to clean up is not worth the meal he made.
I‘m diabetic, so the big box of chocolate I want, is off the list for me but my husband buys one for himself.
According to him, flowers are way too pricey, die too quick and like jewelry, I’m not worth the cost. In his words, It’s a waste of money.

A few years ago, I found myself needing more from life and began living vicariously through my friends and family. This past fall I posted a question on my Facebook page and got some interesting answers. The best answer of all was the conclusion I reached from my unscientific research.

Conclusion: Not everyman out there is suffering from a deficient romance gene. Some even have too much of it in their systems. I am not referring to testosterone, ladies and gents. But to, honest to goodness love shown by a man for his soulmate in life.

Here’s the question I posted: How do you show a person,(your spouse, soulmate, partner, sidekick of the moment) that you care for them without saying the words I love you?
From the way they express their feelings, do you know, feel, loved, special, cared for, by a person who puts you above themselves in all situations?

I got some amazing answers. One of my male friends shared with me how much he loved his wife from the day he first saw her until the present. He told how he never expected to find someone so warm and wonderful. After he dating so many females, he had begun believing that all women were selfish, demanding, interested in themselves only or over controlling. This, as he called her, saint amongst women, showed him he was wrong. Now everyday he shows her how glad he is to be wrong. They are married, have been for twenty years and are looking forward to old age together. He and she are blessed with two daughters. They are partners in everything. They share parental responsibilities, house cleaning, yard work, everything. Their daughters see how much they love each other but more importantly, they are learning how to treat the person you say you love.

A family member who shall remain nameless told me how wonderful her husband is. She didn’t need to say that because he is terrific. But she let me know how it was the little everyday things he does that reminds her how lucky she is to have him in her life.
He takes out the garbage every night. Reads a bedtime story to the kids every night. Fixes their breakfast every morning, not just the kids but hers too. He helps her tidy the house before going to bed every night. Each morning he tells her how beautiful she is and every night before going to sleep he whispers to her how thankful he is for her.
Money is tight for them so he brings her just one rose on Valentines day. But that rose says more to her than a dozen would. They have been married for ten years and plan to be together until death does them part.

I was spoiled with love by my father. Every Valentines, I received a beautiful box of candy adorned with a doll. When I was sick, my father would bring me new books, games, a stuffed animal, to help me feel better. When my father died, so too died any love I felt upon this earth.
I never read romance books. After all, books are only fictional stories told to make us dream. Dreaming of love was not something I wanted to do. I knew I would never be worthy of the love I desired. If I forgot that, my stepfather reminded me. If he didn’t then my mother did. She let me know it would take luck (or a blind person,) to fall in love with someone as fat and ugly as myself. If I ever got a proposal, take it she said. Another probably won’t come along.

I followed her advice. A boy I dated proposed this way: Should we get married or what? He asked this while we were watching television. Looking back now, I realize I should have said what’s my options. Instead I told him I would get back to him with an answer.
I said yes but should have said no.

I’ve learned from the mistakes I made in my life and the mistakes made by others that effected me.

First lesson: marry a man who will worship you the way your father, hopefully, does. If you are in a relationship where your partner can’t or doesn’t put you on a pedestal (so to speak), if they walk ahead of you in crowds, would shove you out of their way when a fire alarm goes off, puts no thought into proposing marriage, then run. Run fast, run hard, don’t stop. A relationship does not improve with marriage. It only gets worse. When that marriage license is signed and filed getting out of the sticky wicket takes a long expensive time and a really good attorney.

Second Lesson: If your fiancé takes time to tell his family and friends he’s engaged to you, then take a very long time to plan your wedding. While your planning the wedding, think about why he was unwilling to share what we are imbedded to believe is great news. Also watch how his parents treat each other. That will clue you in how you’ll be treated by the love of your life. Do they share chores around the house. Do you see them hold hands? Do they hug and kiss? Do they tell each other how special they are?
No, not sure, haven’t paid attention? If the answer is no, then say to your fiancé, Adios Amigo.

Third Lesson: Never tell your children or anyone else that they do not deserve to be loved. Especially never say this to your daughters. Never tell your kids they are fat and ugly. Even if they are in your eyes, someone else sees them differently. Weight can be taken off, makeup can enhance features, plastic surgery can radically change an appearance. But none of that matters to the mind. The mind holds on to memories. Words are so easy for a child to remember and those words hide well in a person’s psyche. They reappear whenever the victim of this verbal abuse looks in a mirror. When a child grows up not expecting to be loved, drugs, alcohol, sexually addictions take the place of the emotion missing from their life. If you’ve ever been addicted to anything, you know how hard it is to break that habit.

Today, for Valentines, begin a new tradition in your life. Change the way you view your partner. Starting today, the day of romance, don’t just say the words, I love you, don’t just buy a card that says them, do like a writer is told to do. Show them. Everyday show your love for your spouse, partner, sidekick, soulmate, friend with benefits, your children. Find little ways to surprise them with your thoughts. Pick them up, put them on a pedestal, show the world they belong to you. Let the world see how special they are in your eyes.

Romance is not a waste of time and money. Romance does not have to be an unnecessary expense. Romance is a very valid, very real, expression of the emotion called love. It’s a smile, a hug, a kiss, a walk on the beach or in a park. It’s a poem , a love note, a Hershey kiss. I had a friend whose lover placed chocolate kisses all over her floors. He left a note with the last one that said he kissed the ground she walked on. Simple, inexpensive, beautifully expressed, romance my friends.

If we all expressed our feelings of love, think how much nicer this world could become. The romance writers may suffer a little from sales, but think of all the non fiction romance stories they would have to share.

May you find romance if it’s missing from your lives!

Love you all, my friends!